When all hope is lost, it’s like a waving crashing over you.. over.. and over again.. unable to breathe. Just sinking deeper into the abyss that is that life you’ve dealt yourself.
There are no life jackets; no floaties.. nothing keeping you from going under.
What does one do when all hope is lost and there’s nothing else to do.. but fall under and let it all slip away.
Xoxo, Neuro
There are many times in life we feel stuck. Physically, emotionally, mentally… It’s a feeling that we all have felt before. It drains us, makes us feel inadequate, helpless, hopeless. Not knowing where to go next, or what move to make.
Feeling stuck to me is one of the worst feelings I can have. Physically stuck? I find a way out, reach out for help, and continue moving forward. Emotionally stuck? I talk to my therapist, or my best friend, or as you’ve all witnessed here, I write through my emotions and continue on my happy way. Mentally? Well, again… I talk it out, write it out, or work through it in my own way.
Today though, is one of the worse ways I could ever feel stuck. I feel stuck inside myself.
I feel like I’m trapped inside my brain, inside my head, inside this body… but I’m not really stuck.. I mean I am.. my soul is in this body until I die, or whatever it is you believe. But it’s much more than that today. I feel like I’m trapped inside my own mind, stuck with the intrusive thoughts, the darkness. I am trapped deep into the unbearable caves of my mind just searching for a way out.
How does one get out of her own mind?
Well, that’s a fun one isn’t it? music, talking to friends, going out, painting, spending time in nature, working out, sex.
All of these things usually help me get out of my mind.
But, what do you do when nothing works? When you don’t know how to move on from the things haunting you in your own brain?
When everything you try, every moment of life around you just hurt more than help. When everything outside of your mind triggers the darkness inside?
I wish I knew how to help myself. I wish I knew how to continue on, without hurting this much.
But how do you come back from feeling so numb, yet so hurt. Even worse when you continue to just hurt yourself with every thought that passes through your mind. When even the good things, the things that you enjoy in the deepest part of your soul, the people you love more than anything in the world, just don’t bring you any kind of rest from the pain inside your own mind?
Right now.. more than any other time.. I wish I knew.
xoxo, Neuro
How do you trust anyone? Strangers? Friends? Family? Significant others? How does one just let go and put their trust and faith into someone so effortlessly.
We go through life putting our trust into so many people, on multiple levels throughout our days without even realizing it. We trust out family to have our backs, we trust our friends to be there for us, strangers not to ram into our cars while we’re driving. Yet, there are so many of us who can’t trust ourselves.
What do we do when we realize that we can’t even trust ourselves to keep us safe?
Maybe it’s the anxiety, maybe it’s the trauma.. but one of the saddest moments is when you realize that no matter what.. you thought you were safe.. but you can’t even seem to do that for yourself.
and honestly that is what terrifies me.
Here I sit and wonder… will I ever trust myself again? Will I ever let myself trust someone else again?
Right now, I honestly don’t know. maybe one day I’ll trust again.. but that day won’t be today.
xoxo, Neuro
Nothing gives you hope like things finally falling into place. You find love, you build something with someone special.. and you plan for the future
You let yourself hope again for the first time in a long time.. and suddenly everything falls into place.
You then realize that all of your hope is worth it because you have the power to change your future and build a life just the way you hope for it.
And maybe.. just maybe.. this time.. you’ll be glad you help on hope to the things that bring your soul to life.
Jealousy is such an ugly feeling. It will make the sweetest of women turn vicious in a second… but it’s a valid feeling. Seeing the one you love, be in love with someone else can be tough to deal with.. but we do what we have to and we move on.
What gets my blood boiling is when someone acts out in jealousy… and pulls that “poor me” act.. it pisses me off to. No fucking end. I can’t stand when people decide to try and intimidate, guilt, or whatever else out of jealousy.
It’s just one of those things that gets my anger goin. Ya know?
But you smile, play nice and smoke about it.
You vibe to the music, remember the ones you love, you breathe in the good vibes… and exhale the bullshit.
And you put on your big girl panties and move the fuck on.
End of rant.
Xoxo neuro
I’m sitting here, with m…she’s cooking breakfast, and I’m drinking coffee and reading. We’re just vibing, smoking, and existing in each other’s company. Every time she approaches me and gives me a kiss… or places her hand on me…. Or just comes to tell me something… it is the best fucking feeling.
She just came up to me and told me that we’re going to have an amazing life together. I couldn’t agree more.
But as I sit here… the only thing that ones to my mind is that I wish you were here to see it. I wish you were here to see the way my life has turned in the past 2 and a half years… I’m finally being true to my self just like you always wanted me to… I’m being me true self… loving my self…. And I have 2 gorgeous, amazing girlfriends that you would absolutely love.
But believe me when I say this… That you would absolutely adore m. I wish I could sit and talk with you,, tell you all about her… she’s the most amazing woman I could have ever asked to love me. She is kind, and sweet, she’s caring, and so fucking beautiful. You would adore everything about her… but you would absolutely love the way she treats me and how genuinely happy I am.
I wish you were here to experience the love, joy, and amazing things that have been happening in my life. I wish you were here to see when we have kids, the life we make for ourselves, and the day that I make her my wife.
Thee past few months have been a crazy roller coaster ride. Works been crazy, working on my new relationship, applying for schools… Everything seems like it’s constantly moving faster than ever before.
I don’t remember the last time I’ve sat down and wrote anything. My mental health took a turn for the worst, and it was a struggle to wake up in the morning, a struggle to shower, a struggle to do the most basic tasks. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that I couldn’t let down the people I love. I knew that if I stayed in bed, if I gave up on life, that I wouldn’t be able to live with my self knowing that I disappointed the ones i love most in this crazy life.
Unfortunately the thing that comes to my mind next… is that even though I’m so worried about letting down the people I love.. the only personI can really count on is me. There’s no one else who will always have my back, who will be there for me no matter what.
I’ve always put everything i have, put my all into whatever significant other that I’m with at the moment. I can’t explain how amazing it is to sit here, next to my current S.O. And feel at ease.. that no matter what,,, they are helping me be the best me I can be.. They have made me realize that I need to get up out of bed, for me. I need to push to do the things that scare me.. for no one but myself. I need to do the things I want to do, do the things that I know that I want out of life, that will make me happy because no one else will do it for me.
I’m using this as a pledge to myself, that no matter what. I will apply. To colleges. I will get my degree. I’m going to write, and publish my books, and I am going to do everything I dream of. Make everything that I want happen, because of me. Because it’s what makes me happy. Because its what I want out of life. And not for what I think will impress or make the people I love happy.
XOXO, Neuro
New year, new me. That’s what we all say after the new year right? New Years resolutions, changing your self for the better… blah, blah, blah. Usually I have the same New Years resolutions, lose weight, make more money, move out of my current hell hole I live in. But there’s a difference between the pst years and this year.
The difference between past years and this year is amazing, and truly shows that I grew last year. I no longer have “lose weight” as a resolution. I have “love my self”. i know this will take time, but I have all of the time in the world to work on it. Yes, I need to lose weight, but I am no longer the highest weight I’ve been, and have lost 25 pounds in the last 6 months, and I did it with out changing a thing. I still eat what I want, I move as much as I can with my work load, but I stopped caring, no, stressing over the fact that I am in fact FAT. i have rolls, and fat, and i jiggle when I walk but who cares?? I’m working on it. And it’s my body… the only one I have.
The next difference is I start a new job with better health insurance, more money, more opportunities to move up in my field, and I won’t’ have to deal with my current boss. This new job will allow me to finish school, earn more money, and I’ll be able to find a new place to live. That sounds like improvement and growth already don’t ya think??
The last part, my favorite part, I’m going to put my writing to good use. No, I don’t mean these blog post where I just word vomit my feeling, thoughts, or whatever flows from my brain to my fingers, I mean my WRITING. I’m going to finish my novel, and write children’s books. Amazon makes it easy to write e-books for kindle, and I’ll be damned if I don’t get published. I’ll self-publish my books until I can be noticed and get published by someone else.
This will be MY YEAR. My time to shine. My time to grow. My time to be happy. Make it your year too. How will you make it your year? What are your New Years resolutions? Lemme know!
Xoxo, Neuro
Today is January 1st, 2021 and I CHOOSE to live MY life as I see fit. Not how my spouse sees fit, not my parents, or my siblings. ME. I am in control and I demand that I will take my life by the reigns and make it the best one I can. I will not be subject to someone else controlling my moves, my day to day actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. I promise to my self that I am here for me, for my life, and for the future that is ahead of me. I will NOT put my self down. I will NOT take my self for granted. I will NOT let my self fall through the cracks of this universe with out putting my mark on this world.
But first, What is life?
Life. The thing we are given, not the thing we choose. Well, technically speaking. Life is the thing that we are given from the moment our parents do the deed, to the moment our life washes away. We did not chose to be here, to be a form of life on this planet we call home. Some one else chose this life for us, but once we are given this life it is not something to be taken lightly. We only have one… at a time. Some people believe in reincarnation, while others do not and that is completely up to you what you believe. None the less what ever you believe it is important to take this life we have been given and do the best we can.
We must do the best we can, not for our spouse, or for our parents, but for ourselves. This is the life we have been given, and it has been given to us for one reason or another but it is OURS. Do not take this life for granted, you chose what you make of it. CHOOSE to be happy, CHOOSE to have love. love for this life,. Love for yourself. Love your mind, your body, your soul. You only have one, and what happens if you waste the only life you have? You end up not wanting, not choosing to push foreword, not choosing to continue living this wonderful life you were given.
Starting today I promise my self that I will not judge my body, my mind, or my self worth. I am a QUEEN. I am BEAUTIFUL. I am WORTHY of LOVE and COMPASSION. And so are you. Hold your head up high, show your self the love and compassion that you deserve.
Xoxo Neuro
Neuro-dust 