The Uncertainty of Love

After 6 months of being single.. I can finally stomach the idea of maybe falling in love again.. key word… MAYBE.

Love is a weird feeling.. the excited head rush.. the butterflies.. the feeling of being home.. safe.. and cared for.. all from being around one person. It’s a strange feeling when you’re truly not used to feeling it..

Some people say that I’m the feeling of love comes and goes. That you can fall out of love as quickly as you can fall into it. But to me.. if you fall out of it that quickly.. was it even love?

That’s what truly haunts me the most.. the uncertainty of feelings.. you they truly feel the same way? Could I marry this person? How would I feel of they just disappeared from my life? The questions that follow the thought of love.. they bring a rise of uncertainty to the idea of love. Is it worth it?

Is the possibility of love worth the uncertainty of losing yourself, losing everything you feel for a person? How do you know when to take that plung?

These are the questions that radiate through my mind as I think about love.

Xoxo Neuro

Hope.

I’ve been going through a lot lately… end of a relationship, rekindling of a friendship, new diagnosis, and new life experiences.. all during a pandemic.

Things are crazy, and I’m not sure how to feel about it. The one thing I do know.. is that I maybe, just maybe might actually be happy. Which is something I haven’t felt in a long time. I never thought I could feel this away again.. not in a million years. But I’m glad I do.

I’m glad I get to experience life.. not feel guilty… and just have a chance to be my self and figure out everything that is.. well, that is me.

All of this gives me hope. And I will do everything in my power to make sure it stays this way.

Xoxo, Neuro

The Weekend

Thee weekend. The time that most people take to relax, revive, and spend time with their loved ones. Right? That’s what most people do? The truth is.. I’ve never been much for weekends. There is always too many people out and about, that’s when everyone does their shopping for the week, the grocery stores are packed… despite the fact that we’re living in a freaking pandemic.. Every one is out and about with out a care. at least… in the USA.

I don’t know if any one actually reads these posts, or if any one cares but the thing is.. the US is going to shit.

No, I’m not going to go into the politics side of the shit world the USA is becoming, but just the general weekend craziness. People not wearing masks, partying it up in bars and other places. People just aren’t keeping in mind that people are dying, people are getting really sick and not too many people care. The thing is people just want it to be over. We have never encountered anything like this in our life times.. Them wanting things to be over makes sense… this SUCKS. I got it, WE get it. The real issue is that the adults in this country seem to think they are invincible, that it’s too much, no too fucking hard to wear a mask. and that pisses me off. I went to target today, as one does and I see a grown ass couple walking around, masks not on right, nose completely uncovered, just hanging on aimlessly walking around. Right next to them are 2 little kids, elementary school aged masks on perfectly, not touching anything, walking nicely next to them.

What is it with adults that they can’t do the bare MINIMUM to keep themselves and everyone around them safe. What is the big deal? It’s not so hard to breathe in a mask.

THIS IS WHY THE USA IS GOING TO SHIT.

okay, rant over.

Xoxo Neuro

New Year, New Me

New year, new me. That’s what we all say after the new year right? New Years resolutions, changing your self for the better… blah, blah, blah. Usually I have the same New Years resolutions, lose weight, make more money, move out of my current hell hole I live in. But there’s a difference between the pst years and this year.

The difference between past years and this year is amazing, and truly shows that I grew last year. I no longer have “lose weight” as a resolution. I have “love my self”. i know this will take time, but I have all of the time in the world to work on it. Yes, I need to lose weight, but I am no longer the highest weight I’ve been, and have lost 25 pounds in the last 6 months, and I did it with out changing a thing. I still eat what I want, I move as much as I can with my work load, but I stopped caring, no, stressing over the fact that I am in fact FAT. i have rolls, and fat, and i jiggle when I walk but who cares?? I’m working on it. And it’s my body… the only one I have.

The next difference is I start a new job with better health insurance, more money, more opportunities to move up in my field, and I won’t’ have to deal with my current boss. This new job will allow me to finish school, earn more money, and I’ll be able to find a new place to live. That sounds like improvement and growth already don’t ya think??

The last part, my favorite part, I’m going to put my writing to good use. No, I don’t mean these blog post where I just word vomit my feeling, thoughts, or whatever flows from my brain to my fingers, I mean my WRITING. I’m going to finish my novel, and write children’s books. Amazon makes it easy to write e-books for kindle, and I’ll be damned if I don’t get published. I’ll self-publish my books until I can be noticed and get published by someone else.

This will be MY YEAR. My time to shine. My time to grow. My time to be happy. Make it your year too. How will you make it your year? What are your New Years resolutions? Lemme know!

Xoxo, Neuro

Stress.

I haven’t posted in a bit because I’ve been going through a lot. I’m switching meds and this change has had some bad side effects. Today I had an extremely bad panic attack that almost ended my marriage… and that was scary. The littlest things are making me irritable and it scares me…

Can anyone else relate?

Xoxo💕🐨💕

Feelings.

Have you ever had a feeling so strong you don’t know what to do with it?

Right now that’s how I feel. I have this upset and anger building inside of me. This guilt and confusion because I hurt my s.o. Without meaning to. I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack but I’ve been doing so good.. I don’t want to take my Xanax to calm down because I’ve used them allot lately.

Help? Any ideas?

Xoxo Neuro 💕🐨

6/10/19-the first.

Today was the first time in a long time I felt truly at peace. For the first part of the day I was in a bliss of love and in an extraordinary state of mind. Then I got I told what a terrible daughter I was and decided that today will be the first day.

The first day I say f-you and fully care about my self and my self alone. A child should never have to feel the way I felt today and that means that from now on my soul purpose will be to make my self happy. And in the process I will make my man happy as well. But that’s it. I no longer care about the opinions of my family.

Today will be the first day of my new forever. My mental health and my piece of mind now come before everything and anything.

Today, I took a mental health day from work. It was the first day in a long time I did things for me. I took a walk, did yoga (which I haven’t done in over a year. And man did that hurt). But today is my day. And from here on out there will be more days like this one.

Tell me what you do for you! How do you take care of your self mentally.

I’m here to listen, give advice, tell my story, but also, to take advice from you.

Xoxo neuro 🐨💕

Welcome!

Hi there! Welcome to my journey. I’m not quite sure what this is going to turn into, but get ready for the ride of your life….Well, the ride of my life. If there’s one thing you need to know, it is that I don’t like people. So if I like you, well, you’re pretty special. I am 26 years old, just on this crazy ride we call life. I am a Queer, polyamorous female, with a gorgeous partner, who makes my life so full. This is my safe space, where I will word vomit, and dump out whatever is in my brain. There’s a mix of posts, poems, word vomit, whatever comes out of my brain to help me work through things in my fucked up brain. This is how I choose to heal. Processing, writing, letting my emotions go, working through it and moving the FUCK on. It may not make sense, but this is me. Follow me through this journey. A journey of self love, relationships, family, polyamory, emotions, the roller coaster that is my life.

I guess I should start now huh?

Things in my life haven’t always been how they are now. Well, I guess they kind of have. From the time I was young, I’d only talk to those I was comfortable with. I was one of four kids so you’d think that I’d be more out going, but the reality is I always felt like an outsider. No, I don’t think my family did it to me on purpose but it’s kind of just how everything panned out. At the age of 14 I was jumped by a girl in my neighborhood and sent to the hospital because of it. That’s where everything got intensified. The doctors started throwing out words like PTSD and anxiety. They were saying that I would have some issues for a while; and as a 14 year old girl that was confusing (the concussion didn’t help). Since then things have changed, I’ve learned more about my self and my conditions/diagnoses. Some things have gotten better, some worse, and other things have been added. But I will not stop. But let’s not dwell on the past too much.

To reiterate, I’m not sure how this is going to go, but Welcome to my journey. Come along for an interesting ride.