It’s Been A While… (Warning Word Vomit)

Thee past few months have been a crazy roller coaster ride. Works been crazy, working on my new relationship, applying for schools… Everything seems like it’s constantly moving faster than ever before.

I don’t remember the last time I’ve sat down and wrote anything. My mental health took a turn for the worst, and it was a struggle to wake up in the morning, a struggle to shower, a struggle to do the most basic tasks. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that I couldn’t let down the people I love. I knew that if I stayed in bed, if I gave up on life, that I wouldn’t be able to live with my self knowing that I disappointed the ones i love most in this crazy life.

Unfortunately the thing that comes to my mind next… is that even though I’m so worried about letting down the people I love.. the only personI can really count on is me. There’s no one else who will always have my back, who will be there for me no matter what.

I’ve always put everything i have, put my all into whatever significant other that I’m with at the moment. I can’t explain how amazing it is to sit here, next to my current S.O. And feel at ease.. that no matter what,,, they are helping me be the best me I can be.. They have made me realize that I need to get up out of bed, for me. I need to push to do the things that scare me.. for no one but myself. I need to do the things I want to do, do the things that I know that I want out of life, that will make me happy because no one else will do it for me.

I’m using this as a pledge to myself, that no matter what. I will apply. To colleges. I will get my degree. I’m going to write, and publish my books, and I am going to do everything I dream of. Make everything that I want happen, because of me. Because it’s what makes me happy. Because its what I want out of life. And not for what I think will impress or make the people I love happy.

XOXO, Neuro

The Uncertainty of Love

After 6 months of being single.. I can finally stomach the idea of maybe falling in love again.. key word… MAYBE.

Love is a weird feeling.. the excited head rush.. the butterflies.. the feeling of being home.. safe.. and cared for.. all from being around one person. It’s a strange feeling when you’re truly not used to feeling it..

Some people say that I’m the feeling of love comes and goes. That you can fall out of love as quickly as you can fall into it. But to me.. if you fall out of it that quickly.. was it even love?

That’s what truly haunts me the most.. the uncertainty of feelings.. you they truly feel the same way? Could I marry this person? How would I feel of they just disappeared from my life? The questions that follow the thought of love.. they bring a rise of uncertainty to the idea of love. Is it worth it?

Is the possibility of love worth the uncertainty of losing yourself, losing everything you feel for a person? How do you know when to take that plung?

These are the questions that radiate through my mind as I think about love.

Xoxo Neuro

Stress.

I haven’t posted in a bit because I’ve been going through a lot. I’m switching meds and this change has had some bad side effects. Today I had an extremely bad panic attack that almost ended my marriage… and that was scary. The littlest things are making me irritable and it scares me…

Can anyone else relate?

Xoxo💕🐨💕

Feelings.

Have you ever had a feeling so strong you don’t know what to do with it?

Right now that’s how I feel. I have this upset and anger building inside of me. This guilt and confusion because I hurt my s.o. Without meaning to. I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack but I’ve been doing so good.. I don’t want to take my Xanax to calm down because I’ve used them allot lately.

Help? Any ideas?

Xoxo Neuro 💕🐨

6/10/19-the first.

Today was the first time in a long time I felt truly at peace. For the first part of the day I was in a bliss of love and in an extraordinary state of mind. Then I got I told what a terrible daughter I was and decided that today will be the first day.

The first day I say f-you and fully care about my self and my self alone. A child should never have to feel the way I felt today and that means that from now on my soul purpose will be to make my self happy. And in the process I will make my man happy as well. But that’s it. I no longer care about the opinions of my family.

Today will be the first day of my new forever. My mental health and my piece of mind now come before everything and anything.

Today, I took a mental health day from work. It was the first day in a long time I did things for me. I took a walk, did yoga (which I haven’t done in over a year. And man did that hurt). But today is my day. And from here on out there will be more days like this one.

Tell me what you do for you! How do you take care of your self mentally.

I’m here to listen, give advice, tell my story, but also, to take advice from you.

Xoxo neuro 🐨💕